At some point, I hit a fork in the road, and I lost track of what matters, and I said a lot of shit things, and I did a lot of shit things to people close to me under the premise that I was blindly angry at something that wasn’t even them.That’s not healthy, and I’m not asking anyone to forgive me or anything. just know that I was in a really dark place, and when I stuck out my hand for help, almost nobody was there. I’m in a much better place now, and we don’t have to be friends or anything, but I have absolutely no hard feelings towards anyone who was in any position to help and didn’t because, ultimately, it wasn’t your job. I’m a grown ass adult and I should be able to deal with my problems without help. Tons of people do it every day of their lives.
This past month has kicked the shit out of me and made me realize that there are things in life much more important than petty drama and holding grudges literally only makes everything else I have to do with my life a lot harder. The Second half of the Road Stories LP was filled with bitterness and hatred towards people, and that isn’t who I want to be, or the message that I want to put out. To everyone who has stuck by me, as a friend (fuck the music for a sec, I’ll get to that later) and helped me keep my shit together in the toughest times of my life (this past month, for example) I love you guys. I literally would not be here without your help.
Today, for the first time in a long time, at least to the degree that I did, I sincerely contemplated killing myself. like, more than just the average “Oh, guys, my life sucks. pity party.” thing… today I spent a good while locked in a room with a loaded gun contemplating if I should even bother with waking up tomorrow. I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t have any idea of who would find me or how pissed anyone would be at having to clean up. I just thought about the fact that not waking up tomorrow and having to deal with every day bullshit, and some of the fallout of my own actions would’ve been nice. it was an intense thought, but only a fleeting one. I really quickly went back to kicking ass at nimble quest and texting my girlfriend, happily.
I think the whole point of this essay is that, I like who I am, and where I’m at mentally, and I don’t care how tough the next couple of weeks looks on paper, I am more than prepared to suffer through them and come out a better person. I’m incredibly disappointed that I’ve lost a whole lot of friends on the way down, and I’m sorry for being a bit off a prick to people like Sohanndy, and Kedric, and Jazz, and I don’t think they necessarily have to forgive me, but I want to move forward with zero bad feelings towards anyone, It’s not healthy. The reason we got here is childish and silly, and entirely my fault.
To the ones who stuck by me, even after I hit rock bottom, I love you guys to the moon and back. I promise you that I value the shit out of your friendship. Aaron, Addy, Andres, Daja, Kyle, Sebastian, Emilio, Shannon, Danny… and a few others. you guys have been absolutely essential to getting me out of the dark place in my head where I placed myself. It’s hard to come back from that, but you guys have helped, and continue to help. Hell, I wrote this entry on Daja’s laptop, at Aaron’s house after a conversation with Andres. hahaha
I don’t know if anyone will read this, and I don’t care. I had to get it out of my chest.